THALIONICS: the science of humour

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" Steven Wright

The muses in Greek mythology were the nine daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne who would be invoked to inspire the poet or astronomer, the dancer, lyre or flute player to create their best work. Thalia was the muse of comedy. Greek comedians would invoke Thalia in order to be extra-funny. I haven't thought about the ways the muse of comedy would be invoked! But I'll work on it.

I always tell people that I'm from Thalion, an imaginary planet in the Arcturan star system. Why not? Then I figured out that we need a new science based not only on the understanding, perception and experience of humor but also on the use of humor as a cognitive antigen against the barrage of virulent infotoxin assaulting us daily.

They say "laughter is the best medicine." Former Saturday Review editor Norman Cousins was diagnosed with serious stomach cancer; instead of going on chemo or hanging it up, he locked himself in a motel room for months and watched every funny movie he could get…and healed himself completely! What are the implications of this in terms of how much pus we ingest through mass-media? Is it no wonder we are a sick lot?

Down in the southern hemisphere, and mainly in New Zealand, they use the expression "taking the piss" to refer to making fun of something or joking about it. In England this would be "taking the mickey." In America, "taking a piss" is totally different. Down under, "getting pissed" means you're drunk on alcohol; "getting pissed" in America means you are angry. Logically, of course, I figured out the connection: if you are taking someone's piss, you are stealing their urine, right? So I came up with the concept of "urine theft", which is about taking piss, which is about being funny! "Micturation" is a scientific term for urination, just as "kleptomania" refers to theft and stealing; hence, "micturo-kleptics, anonymous" would be a self-help organization for people who were addicted to taking the piss. Relentlessly insufferable comedians? You betcha.

I have also come up with names for new athletic teams, although I'm not sure what "sport" they would play: the Kiwi Shaggers, the Aussie Bludgers, the Pome Whingers, the Yankee Dozers [drives earth-moving equipment while asleep](originally the American Dreamers, but "American" means a lot more than the USA), and the Chile Chupacabras ["goat-suckers"]!

I have sometimes been accused of being a comedian. But then people add, "But Jeff…the stuff you say is kind of like scientific sounding. It's true…but funny at the same time."

A lot of my "funny" stuff centers on linguistic anomalies. For example, how the word "polysyllabicism" is an example of itself. Think about it. Or how there's a "p"-sound in "warmth" that we say but it's not there. What we actually say is "warm[p]th." Try it. You can't say it WITHOUT the "p" can you? So I'm calling this a "salient" letter, as opposed to the "silent" letters like the "e" at the end of "like."

But then the word "monosyllabicism" is an oxymoron…it means "words with one syllable" but itself has seven. Seven syllables to mean one. What's up with that? No wonder English is so difficult to learn. It's what you call idiosyncratic. That means pretty much there's no rhyme or reason to it. By the way, an oxymoron is NOT someone who has a brain-deficiency from asphyxiation (get it, "lack of oxygen" = "moron"?) An oxymoron is a word or phrase that is internally contradictory or inconsistent. We've all heard about "military intelligence", right? "Environmental mining" is good, as is "friendly fascism." I heard that there's an "organic McDonalds" in Sweden? What would they serve…burgers made from pure recycled cardboard? One of my favorite oxymorons is "accurate gossip." I once made up what "gossip" stands for" G eeks of O minscience S avoring S tultifying and I nsidious P ap. Haha! But the biggest oxymoron HAS to be homo sapiens, "man, the wise."

That's an even huger urine theft than Piltdown Man. In case you don't know, Piltdown man was an anthropological hoax fomented by some college students in England. They fabricated this skeleton of "Piltdown man" and "discovered" it. All the authorities and experts verified its authenticity and it rewrote the anthropology textbooks overnight. The trouble was, even when the hoaxers admitted what they did, it had been bought into so heavily by the academic community that it took decades to get it out of the textbooks! You'd think America today was being (mis-)led by a veritable Piltdown administration, eh? Tireless hoaxers, fabricators and born-again Christians whose biggest weapon is "truth." Devout, mind you. Devouter than thou, for sure! Hey, do you know what the difference between George W. Bush and Jesus is? Bush is a Christian. Jesus wasn't…or "isn't"…I'm sure he's alive… Jesus is a Djedi.

Speaking of glue, "epoxymoron" would be "non-adhesive glue." This is completely logical, as well as irredeemably oxymoronic. Think about it.

OK, how about some regular old witticisms. What do you call the drummer from a (past-tense) British art-rock band who is able to synthesize his own food from sunlight? Chloro-phyl Collins!

(This one is from when Clinton was president) Using a term from computer programming, describe the beat of the vice-president. The Al Gore Rhythm (algorithm).

How many geometers does it take to change a light-bulb? Pi. (that's 3.14159265)

OK, I'll stop while I'm ahead. Oh yeah, what do you call it when you have sex with relatives who have been dead for a really long time? Ancest!


Being a "yank" travelling in New Zealand and Australia, I am constantly exposed to these two (almost indistinguishable) cultures' predilection for, yes, taking each other's piss. In fact, they do it so much I was going to propose that both countries instate Ministries of Urine Theft, complete with super-tankers and trans-continental pipe-lines! I must share with you the best from both sides, or the "beast" as they'd say in Aotearoa. The best one I've heard from the Aussies is, "why does the New Zealander make love to his sheep when it's laying on its back? So he can KISS it!" Not bad…but the Aussie jokes on the Kiwis invariably center on the "sheep-shagging" theme. The Kiwis' are far more brutal. These were shared with me by some women on the south island after I said I never heard the Kiwis tell jokes on the Aussies. OK. "How do you tell a level-headed Aussie? He's dribbling out of BOTH sides of his mouth!" "Why are Aussies at their best when they're six feet under? Because DEEP DOWN they're really nice people!" And the best is this: "What does an Australian male use as a contraceptive? His PERSONALITY." I've seen that one create massive befuddlement.

OK. There was this English guy who had fallen in love with Gina Lollobrigida. [this is how the joke was told to me…any modern mass-media sex goddess could be substituted for Gina ok?] He's talking with his mate. "I've got to marry Gina Lollobrigida, there's no two ways about it. I'm going to go crazy if I don't marry her. What do I do?" His friend says "Well, there's no way she's going to marry you. You're English and she's Italian. No way." The guy goes "Well I have to become Italian. There's no two ways about it. How do I become Italian?" His friend says "Well, go and talk to my friend who's a doctor, he might be able to help." He goes to the doctor and the doc says "So you want to be Italian. OK…let's see, what I'll do is operate on your brain. Being English, if I take out 10% of your brain, you'll be Italian, and you can marry Gina Lollobrigida." The guy says "OK, let's do it." Alright…a few days later the guy is waking up in the hospital. Out of the fog of anaesthesia he sees the doctor standing over him saying "My friend, my friend, I'm SO sorry…I just don't know how to tell you what I've done…somehow instead of taking out 10% of your brain and leaving 90%, I accidentally took out 90% and only left 10%…" The guy goes "She'll be roite, miy(t)e.""

Feeling better? I thought so…make an effort to implement strategic, theatre, and tactical thalionics every day OK? And be sure to take some piss…Ghandi knew what was up!


PALINDROMES (words or phrases that say the same thing forwards and backwards)

Sit on a potato pan otis.

Slap a ham on Omaha pals.

Rats live on no evil star.

Tarzan raised a Desi Arnaz rat.

Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog.

And the only one I made up myself: And ET saw waste DNA.

FLOCCINAUSINIHILIPILIFICATION is the longest non-scientific word in the English language. (it's an archaic British auctioneering term meaning "the act of estimating as to be worthless"…only the Pomes could have concocted this one!)

PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS is the longest word in the English language. (this is a rare lung disease you get from inhaling minute particles of volcanic dust)

The following is the "greatest name in German baroque music" from a skit by Monty Python:

Johann Gambolputty D'von Ausfernsplendenschlitz Kraskrembonfriediggadingledangledoongle-barstein von Nacherthrasher-applebanger Horowitz Ticolensic Grandelnotischpeltinkle Grandisch-grumpelmeirspelti-vasic-urslich-imbeleisenbonvagen Gutenabendbitte eine Nurnburgerbratversel-gespertmits-veinmarthe-guberhuntsfut Guberhabend-schonnendeiche Kapsleismiddelreicher von Hapkolf of Ulm

These are the three longest place names in the world:

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch (a village in Wales)

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu (a village in New Zealand)

(a village in Thailand)

JOKES (" = thanks to various friends)

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? None…real men aren't afraid of the dark!"

Did you know that vulgarity is just a crutch for the inarticulate motherfucker? And that celibacy is not an inherited characteristic?
These are quotes from Samuel Holton Pearce III, a pretty literate dude who gave me a ride hitch-hiking near Atlanta a few years ago.

What does a blonde say when she thinks she's pregnant? "Is it mine?""

Why are all blonde jokes one-liners? So MEN can understand them!"

Why do Southern Baptists never make love when they are standing up? Because someone might think they were dancing!"

NAME THAT DRUG (thanks to Grant Knowles of NZ):

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name along with a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Aleve is known as Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, and Advil is Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also under consideration were the names Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, Dixafix, and of course Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in a liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally "Pour himself a stiff one". Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

However, 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate.


He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."


It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.


Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."


The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said "Not this time."

The Third Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.

The bartender replied, "Yes."

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."


NOTE: these are moi…don't try to steal them or you might come down with hemosomniaexphicilia eli monki…this is my very first neologism, from when I was in the 8th grade!!! Or I might make up a name for YOU!!!!!!! Hahaha!!!


Characters from my comedy sci-fi novel From Thalion, with Love:

J. Paul Serengeti
J. Rayban Melanogaster
Jane-bot la Wig
Leonardo da Wig
Vladischlock Skrulusky (heads the Ministry of Infotoxin)
PAL ("Purposive Algorithmic Liar")

Leaders of four red-neck clans:

Kykdangus Harmalude (distributors of Harmalude's Chicken-milk )
Viscous Dribbler (his sons Asbestos and Diagnul)
Hildridge Smutpecker
Rewt Squealyonder

People you wouldn't want to know in South America…

Maldito Vivaracha
Pavloid Ignoches
Blavier Quesocavesa
Pedro La Coucha

…and a couple who might be ok…

Abierto Cerrado
Ian Ypf


These are names I just come up with, often when I'm stoned. They could be characters in a play by Shakespore, for example, or maybe the actors in tv series such as Melroid Place or The Spugitive; the leading role in Soylent Groin? Many of them are names I make up for people who pass me by when I am hitch-hiking. I didn't want to meet them anyway!!! Oh, yes…many of these are politicians of very high rank*, mad scientists**, those "experts" and "doctors" on tv selling laxatives and toothpaste***, "nobility"****, and people who send you spam or want your bank account details so they can deposit $400,000,000 for you to keep for them. [for maximum enjoyment, prounounce these names slowly out-loud!]

[NOTE: all of these words and names could be actual words or real names, as they conform to the accepted phonemic protocols of English…in fact, I would say that they are words now…and I feel as if I've met a few of these people but PLEASE can most of them remain imaginary…or maybe just star in David Lynch movies???]

Melangis Flardkroidle
Frothnard Luginspu
Heinroid Tossinger*
Laroid Pooftenshite
Prince Farfley Whingemont****
Minister Taswart Fleech*
Joznorpf Phangmullishpfte
Futhrik Shatforth
Buffroy Kaughenluge
Dr. Lardhung Swellingsach***
Schmegroife Phumunda
Gubflardis Heebuljoirbler
Sen. LaRoife Friggenshite* (R, NC)
Schmeglunge Haftabarphe
Lackley Groinhunga
Uhungis Horstingroimpfe
Harfley Pufowder
Esky Childorf
Buckaroid Bonsai
Sir Jickle Ryptumskrote
Blofarf Korectum
Galangis Farfingroife
Parvlo Jellywrinkle
Rep. Upyus Ronghole
Phreebdroidle Vanokulin
Bovis Kluntch
Vyzekulis Marmogene
Melroife Fusk
Cervantes Ypsilanti Ryptumskrote
Sen. Cornbone Quelvuloch Hamcob (D, MS)
Spufrothulis Kumtang
Hindcob Boinkler
Hon. Maphilius Smeltfurburger
Halvtard Pornbuttah
Lewdright Lardfungle
Ranceroife Groinpucker
Maybeeheedawun Aintee
Sputamius Grogurt Fudgelark
Lyplyk Groinsuckle
Rabbi Zephinius Scoobadiah
Fudroife Utacious
Necesseles, Greek god of advertising
Fondulus, Roman god of groping
L. Serge Dosinger (he has an acid wit)
Propagandolf, Celtic wizard of bullshit
Jethrodamus, the hillbilly prophet
George Herbert Walker Eraserhead Baby*, ****
Dr. Froglard Milkpus (developed bovine growth hormone)
Sen. Concilius Phartpecker (D, Va)
Malthusedek…ancient prophet of population growth
Marcock Filoney
Chief Rootfeather
Chief Groinsparrow
Prof. Velikrovny Freudenstein**
Dagroife Cremonger
Pedfarf Shockingstuhl
Leapfrog McSuccatang (character in unpublished Mark Twain novel)
Herr Shrubdolf Gitler*, ****
Jaundish Cockhymen
Fartloin Gurbler
Yornu Hierayntcha
Rev. Hallelucius Gruntfarth (overweight evangelical preacher)
Queen Pandelacroife Masagua (Blohemian Repuplic)
Gobuleen Blodfarfle
Sen. Laxington Groinfinch (R, AL)
Viceroife Foulcum Gooberleech****
Baron von Stankpecker Baruchnia Cuntsmere
Lardstuhl Mockingtoad
Lardlark Smutfeltcher
Sec. Malhung Wrenwart
Hindolf Groinsquatter
Felvis Smutloin (pop singer from the 1950's)
Sushi Cephalong (talk-show host)
Luphus the Spungulent
Philantis Streltchlerm
Dr. Amoebis Dryntchtenshite (founder, science of colonomics)
Prof. Smyrdinshite Rootdangle (founder, proctonomics)
Sir Buggerson Filfthright Schmeglord****
Lewdnik Groinmonger
Cryptopheles, Greek god of incomprehensibility
Mephistophepus: cat from hell
Sheriff Bolemis Phartsputin
Salvadork Milkpillow (internationally known artist)
Scrotang Phylingis
Goobengazen Dountrou Zedwitte (the guy who looks at your dick when he's standing next to you at the urinal in a public toilet)
Schmuckner Philfthroife Loidule
Deputy Eugenis McGuilloposter
Turloid Grumpfkin (he's always angry due to constipation)
Heintooten Sniffensach
Ulvis Sackputer Raunchulus
Mahogynous Dolehammed: generic low-income "foreigner" in Australia
Maj. Rantley Blogson (Dept. of Internet Disinformation)
Frignalas Vanana (Prime Minister of the Pineapple Republic)
Prof. Soporish Flewdlingbraum (your statistics teacher in college)
Fungmongis Spittlepube
Muntazuma: Aztec god of fucking stuff up
Phlemnis Vospotchenkrote
Heinruten Grimpecker (your "back-door man")
Imatha Wunhoo Gropeter
Janhuntzing Gerfloidleschnoizen (former head of German intelligence)
Smutney Loobtard (MTV pop-singer and celebrity)
Herr Schekelschnurf Ghoulfler (Nazi doctor who experimented with the psychological effects of glue on prisoners)
Rev. Blasphemis Toadrancor (televangelist for Fox)
Paul Grogan, the Crocodile Sucker (Australian actor)
Rev. Vermintious Rodentate (a Rush Limbaugh clone)
Houndong Gerbilcooter ("ain't nuthin' but a houndong…")
Sphagnous Bloater (championship wrestler)
Ludinoid Cranzac (championship wrestler from Russia)
Creamwig Buttersnot ****
Scronduloid Fadunzel Gnusmarven
Rear Admiral Heintard Rootstench, USN
Heinposter McGuillotard
Mushroy Gropingham Phartsmere (plantation owner in the old south)
Detective Lyrkintosse Knobwart
Hindnewton McGuilloputty
Sherlax Creamchoker (private parts investigator)
Hindish Dopeler (he slips drugs to people up their ass)
Myxogenes the Slimy
Dangulus Tardknocker (hangs out at all the strip-clubs)
Dildroy McSpittlepodnuh (professional cowboy)
Duke Lavendish Cumgroper****
Lipley Tossflinger
Special Agent Gilrick Fusp
Blusty Grointang (porn star of indeterminate sex)
Odvarb the Glandescent (retarded Viking)
Lewdbarf the Undulent (alcoholic overweight Viking)
Porvulis Dangfallow
Bufis Delvulik (inbred sheriff from Georgia)
Newtroy Fidankey (pop singer performing in Las Vegas night-clubs)
Daniel Druff
May Cupp
Firmly Taetesphinkte
Loafroy Firminghand
Vermyk Slugroote (neo-con talk-show host)
Pervroot Coxblossim Smutler
Hosie & Londrette Dangnirpurdee
Googlis Maingomer Mangroin
Klemnik Pudfoofter Tossheim
Medz & Vaxine Pilpharmer (trailer-park drug-dealers)
Sir Richard Nobley Wankerson
Gen. Militius R. Googlepecker, NORTHCOM
Hungswell Foulingtrou
Glandoin Loudfungus
Frothinglard Froidmonger
Scruvacious Optingcrawb
Rudelingis Phartclot
Beefrovington Lardbarf Chunderson
Capt. Larvrick Chundersoy
Flanticeps Asswank
Poxfard Speltchwart Lardposter
Aidoo W. Froodbicki (CEO, Congo National Bank)
Papnastis Loingringis
Helroif Pubecumber (vicious little kid in the 'hood)
Phydelphis Smoghniac
Gov. Roitche Smelyaroife
Forthwit Clotnostril
Fardloch Groinjammer Smelyaclot
Boracious Wildnostril Hurlner
Jimwally Upyasef
Abrarf Conjellico (national security advisor)
Funglip Dooshwallow Spoogeloin
Phoultrou Lardstuhl
Hayo Arntchakyut
Humonger Groinstench
Groinfried Loinbinger
Glandene & Goobheim Frothinglark
Goobwally Pankdrowner
Colic Malootney
Marvucci Magdaloaf
Malyewter Fudespias
Pipuloon Magdalude
Rancette, Frylene & Hornita Humpdembum
Mo, Larry & Curly Hammed

The Holmes Brothers: Padlock [he's locked away], Gridlock [he's caught in traffic], Ziplock [he's always high], and Smutlock [his mags are in the lew] (Sherlock's brothers…he's trying to solve the mystery of why they are like this!]

The Dread Clot Billy-Lepers (southern Californication mtv band)


[also known as RNA's, or "recombinant neologoic anglicisms"]


Cryobenthics: stuff that's extremely cool and very deep
Cryobites: prehistoric benthic marine invertebrates living at extremely low temperatures
Protohedron: the original solid, has an infinite number of sides
Supposihedron: a regular solid for inserting up the ass
Mutozooic: period of terrestrial life where all animals mutate
Electrocity: atrocities caused by electicity; the velocity of electricity
Auto-cryocracy: self-rule by the very cool
Micronymous: anonymity resulting from being very small
Necrovore: something that eats death
Paleogynecology: the medical study of prehistoric box
Somantics: words that make everything ok
Crapulosity: the speed at which things can turn to shit
Enemosity: the speed at which an enema comes back out, or when you are angry at having been given an enema
Dildonymous: lacking in identity in the manner of a dildo
Fecorhine: shit-nose
Claustrilopithecus: future name for people today who live in houses
Cryptophage: life-form that digests gibberish
Infomunity: resistance to being informed


Infotoxin: the weaponization of mass-communication; the poisoning of the mental environment
Bionoopathy: the parallel and synergistic degradation of our bodies, minds and spirits
Rednecrosis: when your brain degenerates from ignorance and racism
Macrophilia: abnormal attraction to the very large
Nanophilia: abnormal attraction to the very small
Smegmalomania: belief that you are the biggest cheese in the world
Robotulism: when disease has made you into a machine
Aphobophobia: the fear of having nothing to be afraid of
Phobonoia: the fear that fear is out to get you
Hypercryophobia: the fear of being too cool
Hypercryonoia: the fear that others might think you are too cool
Catastrophrenia: splitting of the mind due to global cataclysm
Vegesomnia: asleep in the manner of a vegetable
Gismosis: the slow leakage and absorption of gism
Androlepsy: seizures induced by trying to be male and female simultaneously
Scrotophilia: abnormal attraction to or obsession with a nut sack
Meticulosis: when you pay so much attention to detail that you lose track of what it is that you are trying to do
Epileprosy: fits of violent shaking causing body parts to fall off
Erosis: the inflammation of physical love
Macrolepsy: when a living or social system has seizures because it is too big
Claustralysis: paralysis from spending too much time indoors
Santa Claustrophobia: what he feels inside the chimney
Dispotency: powerful but in ways that are harmful or meaningless
Chronoma: the degeneration of time
Chrapathy: chronic apathy
Ignial: ignorance and denial
Wignorance: wilful ignorance
Blondaroma "Is that me who smells?"
Coitis: the inflammation of togetherness
Palindroslexia: the ability to recognize a new palindrome because you automatically see sentences in reverse
Infratosis: the inflammation of being below or beneath
Australalia: ock-speak
Triarrhea: it's three times worse!
Ambinoia: uncertainty as to whether you should worry or not
Phobonoia: extreme concern that you may be afraid
Rectonoia: fear that you may be an ass
Rectophobia: fear of the butt
Rectophilia: abnormal attraction to or obsession with the butt
Rectosphilia: abnormal attraction to or obsession with butt sugar


Rectose "It's the REAL butt-sugar…don't settle for less!"
Stankulin "Stops blondearoma in its tracks!"
Barfulin Induces vomiting when you've eaten too much or when you're feeling overweight; for the reluctant bolemic
Upyasef Helps important people to feel even better about themselves…in suppository form only! (for yuppies)
Verbulin Helps you to sound believable on subjects you are completely ignorant of or when you have nothing to say
Virgi-fan virgin pussy-juice (certified organic concentrate)[available only in the "down under" colonies] [organic Viagra , not for vegans]

Necrodisiac Helps you to fall in love with dead stuff


Johnlenin: imaginary musical towels, sheets and pillow-cases
Ejaculogna pseudo-meat squirted out of a bodily orifice
Babylogna: a very decadent pseudo-meat
Mussologna: a fascist pseudo-meat product
Groin lozenge: cough drops for the genital orifice

Adhesiology: medical profession of putting people on glue before an operation; the study of how some people are able to "stick to it" when others cannot

Auto-ama-anaesthesiologist: a doctor who numbs himself or puts himself to sleep purely for the love of it

Pistemoffology: the study of people who are angry at you

Picopiezopyrometry: the measure of sub-microscopic electrically-induced fires


Rectosphere: subset of reality pertaining to the butt; all things anal
Rectaroo: an Australian marsupial that keeps its young up its butt
Rectgnost: global openness of the butt
Rectaroni: butt-pasta
Spormic Igtard
Espanic anglofornia
Flantis gilgoth
TV Temple Sewer
Groin lozenge
Hadrichthyan souvlantis
Evonics…how to talk real evil-like
Myxoscrotonic phallodyne
Lancrinoid plavick
Angloid xanatar
Automata non grata
Dralochranthinoid oviceps
Klepton: the stolen planet
Pubic Enema
Telluroid, Colorado
Leproselyte: someone who advocates removable body parts
Migroine headache
Vegemony: when you have totalitarian control over all vegetables
Larcimony: legal union of two people so they can steal from each other
Ooceph: egg-head
Velocipoofter: dinosaur that runs you down and fucks you in the ass
Velocibator: dinosaur that runs you down then jacks off on you
Boysenroife: berry-barf
Factitious: believable but false
Josoid Votons
Vermizoid protochrondria: distant unicellular ancestors of rodents
Gnostvarmin Cramroid
Largonic Droiglophage
Chinling gosstossage


Reverse deception: telling the truth but no one will believe you because it's too unbelievable

Incontinental breakfast: toast, coffee, and a diaper

Viagra catheter: so you can urinate during erection


Gruntled (dis-) "I'm feeling rather gruntled today" [you feel composed]

Dundancy (re-) "I'm happy to inform you that you have been made dundant." [you get to keep your job]

Verted (per-) "You're a lovable vert." [you are mentally healthy]

Bilitated (de-) "The patient has bilitating effects." [they are getting well]

Mented (de-) "The party leadership was highly mented." [they made decisions that benefited their people]

Dote (anti-) "The dote was administered by the physician in order to euthaenize the patient."


Immediate: when you never watch tv, listen to the radio or read newspapers


"The only thing that's faster than light is simultaneity."


"A person who cannot be bought is priceless."


"Never lick a wart hog in its nostril until it's fast asleep."


"When Bedouins make love, it's fucking in tents."


Dinucrud: "digital number-crunching device"
Eitosi "encrusted in their own self-importance"
Chard "chronic Australian road-dirt"
Radaddi "raving drug addict"
Dinucrud "digital number-crunching device"
Lesedi "let somebody else do it"
Dofu "don't fuck up!"
Retofup "ready to fucking party"
Pweam "people who eat at McDonald's"
Uti's "unacceptable theological implications"
Futard "fucking retard"
Neufu "neurotic fuckwit"
Pewcashu "people who can't shut up"
Maldof "mind-altering dose of fat"
Dedcondo: denial-driven collective nose-dive into oblivion


Esoteric fundamentalism
Depleted uranium
Non-lethal genocide


"Santa Claus is coming...up you!"

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better bend over 'cause I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming...up you!

He knows who you've been rooting,
He knows who you just ate,
He knows if you've been swallowing,
What you think when you masturbate!

(repeat chorus)

He knows how many inches
You've taken up your bum,
And if you use a condom
Every time you get you some!

(repeat chorus)

His cousin Ebenezer
Only spooges once a year,
And you should have a towel in hand
If you happen to be near!

(repeat chorus)

Now, Santa has no children
Safe sex he recommends to you,
Like him you should come only once a year,
And down the chimney, it's true!!

(repeat chorus)

Beware this horny bastard,
And watch your ass, it's true,
Yes, guard your jolly corn-hole now
Or he'll bugger right up you, oh...

(repeat chorus!

"The Twelve (digital) Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...a teraflop in a pc.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...two cd-roms and a teraflop in a pc.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...three disc drives, two cd-roms and a teraflop in
a pc.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...four dvd's, three disc drives, two cd-roms, and a
teraflop in a pc.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...five isp's...four dvd's, three disc drives, two
cd-roms, and a teraflop in a pc.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...six googles googling, five isp's...four dvd's,
three disc drives, two cd-roms, and a teraflop in a

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to spammers spamming, six googles googling,
five isp's...four dvd's, three disc drives, two
cd-roms, and a teraflop in a pc.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...eight modems moaning, seven spammers spamming,
six googles googling, five isp's...four dvd's, three
disc drives, two cd-roms, and a teraflop in a pc.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...nine deals on viagra, eight modems moaning, seven
spammers spamming, six googles googling, five
isp's...four dvd's, three disc drives, two cd-roms,
and a teraflop in a pc.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...ten files down-loading, nine deals on viagra,
eight modems moaning, seven spammers spamming, six
googles googling, five isp's...four dvd's, three disc
drives, two cd-roms, and a teraflop in a pc.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...eleven printers printing, ten files down-loading,
nine deals on viagra, eight modems moaning, seven
spammers spamming, six googles googling, five
isp's...four dvd's, three disc drives, two cd-roms,
and a teraflop in a pc.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to
me...twelve burners burning, eleven printers printing,
ten files down-loading, nine deals on viagra, eight
modems moaning, seven spammers spamming, six googles
googling, five isp's...four dvd's, three disc drives,
two cd-roms...AND A TERA-FLOP IN A

"Make Haste, for Time Runneth Over"

Bring me your retards, your microcephalic
Lame dolebludgers, you oxygen thiefs,
Let me slap thee to thine oblivion
Beneath the dust of your ashen centrelink cheque.

Yay, yo, upon the stool of sloth squat thee,
Ho, and wee, you forsooth betake a
Loci narn, thy yarn has woolenth
Thine eye, a pie in the face of your race,

Make haste, for time runneth over…and
Out. Shout…for thine crevice shall receive
The light. Blight…nay, oh hey, tonight
Deceive thyselves not, say, oh why can't
You see all the waste, the slime cometh within
The line of sight. Fake taste..bake paste?


To sniff the reek of twat,
Shall never, n'er begot,
Oh radiance fair shall never dare
Entwine the mucus snot.

To sniff the reek of twat,
Whose fragrance cannot be bought,
Oh wondrous juice yet flowing loose,
Without thy true butt clot.

To sniff the reek of twat,
A wonder's fortune not,
Cease, yet play, enchantment's fray,
And lick thy gory slot.

Reeketh free and jubilee upon the mists of yore
Resteth not thy true butt clot, o fiery flameth sore.

Without the scents of wisdom all words of passion fail,
Forever shall bounteous juice without thy bounteous tail

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